Tuesday, 3 May 2016
Friday, 29 April 2016
I was just thinking about forgiveness today. Its an important, but a tough action as what we think we have to forgive is usually something that is hard to let go of. These are the things that stay in the memory for a long time and this memory can evoke feelings that hurt as much today as they did then.
But we need to look at it from a different perspective. its about the energy involved. Undoubtedly there are a lot of emotions attached and forgiveness is a choice to release those emotions and the energetic hold that the seem to have on us is huge.
Lets make a deliberate effort and visualisation ..think about something someone said to you that was unkind, inconsiderate, something that you did not deserve. How do you feel? Are you able to recall each detail? Do you get the sad feeling once again?
Thats the emotional energy that it has. It still causes the same pain while you think of it again. These emotions are a lot strong and powerful.
We often hear people say, “ I would never get close to someone again”. There is a lot that is being impacted here in your life. Lot more than we can think.
Forgiveness helps let you get rid of this emotional baggage that limits your life, and lets you move on. And the best way to forgive is to say, “I forgive us”. The reason to say this is if we take the responsibility of what is in our life, we cannot take action to make the required change. This acknowledgement gives us the power to tread on a different path. Otherwise we are blaming someone else for our experience. We just need to cut the chord and release every aspect of the situation that exists.
Coaching has helped me become stronger and also helped me get back to my strong beliefs and values that I had imbibed. As a coach I have helped and walked along with my clients through this difficult issue and they express their anger, sadness, and a strong emotions of frustration at how badly they were hurt. I acknowledge their experience but I ask them simple questions like: how long do you wish to feel this way? Are you willing to release? Are you ready to connect back with peace? If so what do you think you can do ? Each one has an effective way to release.
The chord cutting exercise helps you forgive someone in a powerful, fulfilling way. It helps you realise it and you reap the benefits of forgiveness without feeling further victimised and powerless by a situation. It helps you get back the control of your life and enriches your relationship. I seek forgiveness too, to free myself of the guilt of hurting someone.
Wednesday, 3 February 2016
Hard times..and that too personal hard times can strike at any point to any of us. Each one of us have our share of them..in our relationships, at work, with family and not to miss matters related to health. The challenge here is to accept these blows and wade through troubled waters, to learn from them and emerge stronger, braver, wiser than ever before. It’s definitely easy said than done.
How do we deal with these moments?
We could …in several predictable ways i.e complain, consider it as lady luck not favouring us, try and gain sympathy. You would hear some statements like,” you think that’s bad, wait till you hear my story ! But does it help? No one can judge the severity of your hard times. Your tough path is tough and it is yours to tread on. One needs the inner energy to emerge out and some are able to do it while some go down in a spiral dungeon.
Being upfront and open helps in some ways. One, that it allows you to live up your reaction towards it and in the consequence let others help accordingly. For example in a relationship turned sour, the last thing that you might want to hear from a friend is that all would be well, but, you also don’t want to hear that how awful it is. Keeping matter to yourself is even tougher! So we need to let people around us know that you are not looking for an over or a poor response from them.
Sometimes it helps to peep into the past to see how those tough days have contributed towards who you are today, it helps to reflect how new patterns appeared and moulded your personality. And try and think back what you did during those tough days. Was it that you wrote it all out of your system or maybe an evening out in the woods helped or was it the daily gym routine or was it the quiet , cosy ambience of your room soaked you in a comforting energy? Think, imbibe what helped!
Hard times force change. It sure throws an opportunity to do something different. Recovering from a break up makes you more independent and capable with a life that is offering so much more..more interesting ways than what they were! Or may be a cancer survivor comes out with a new hope and excitement towards life.
Take your time to process what pulled you down and explore your feelings connected to it. As you process the one thing that needs to be avoided is the blame ..blaming yourself, your luck , others, life. Blaming is a double edged weapons that bruises your soul. It is surely a no-win position to be in. So fight this to avoid at best.
The duration of sadness, remorse depends on the blow that you got out of the situation. Find someone who can be a sound board, could be a friend, a coach to get a fresh perspective, to let them help you build steps towards your goal..to be happy again. Seek out cathartic activities that work well with you.
Few questions to ponder over :
What can you draw from the situation that can help you move ahead?
What didn’t work well?
What are the choices you wish to consider?
Any behaviour that you wish to change that might turn your life towards betterment?
What is the strengthening gain out of this event ?
What step would you like to take that might put the spark back in you?
What do you enjoy doing?
Wednesday, 6 January 2016
As a coach I’ve had a few thoughts about the relationships of the modern world…the techno savvy world..
What is it that we are looking for?
What comes out forthrightly in today’s relationships is our fear of commitment. We are attracted to those who are unavailable and lose interest in those who are. In dating a partner who is acting needy or too invested in us is often the cause of our losing interest in them and a host of terms are used to describe them as too clingy, creepy, desperate and the like. We are comfortable with maintaining emotional distance. This is not to say that these days people don’t have wonderful, fulfilling relationships, but it’s just that it’s much harder to scale the emotional distance we are so careful to cultivate. But we are unknowingly getting complicit in a dating culture that prevents intimacy - we are turning into a generation afraid of being in love.
The spectre of technology invading our lives is literally sapping our emotional attention. We were drawn by its power to connect, but somewhere down the line we have lost some of our ability to talk to people face to face. Take a moment and think ..when was the last time you called on a friend? We have filled the holes of intimacy with updates, feeds, snaps, beeps and clicks. These are beginning to control our happiness and our moods in place of real genuine human connections. We are more comfortable with fleeting online relationships where people are getting bolder on the various social sites. We are actually struggling to find intimacy in our increasingly connected but disparate world.
Youngsters are not settling in as they are faced with the consequences of excessive choice. Why commit and settle when there is always someone new round the corner? The online status screaming out to get attention, the Facebook pictures waiting to be liked and the end result being unfulfilling at best. Choice takes priority, intimacy and connection are afterthoughts. But we never give the other person a chance to express themselves long enough to give them a chance nor do we give ourselves a chance to learn about things about them we could love. And as a result the relationships get lost somewhere. Ghosting (dropping off from text/phone communication) and flaking are commonplace as they help remove the guilt of hurting each-other.
So where does that leave us?
Our childhoods taught us to value love; but the new era of technology have taught us to fear commitment and put choice first. We’re trapped in a self perpetuating cycle of emotional distance with each other. Most of us really want love at some point in life, but our actions are at war with this desire. The fear of commitment and rejection makes us maintain emotional distance.We comfort ourselves knowing at least we’re not feeling the stinging pain of a broken heart, at least we don’t have to deal with real emotions. But is this our true self? Are we not losing out on one of the most important aspect of being human.
Are we all not looking for happiness? Don’t you think having a strong, positive relationships in our life is one of the keys to happiness and fulfilment. Anecdotally, we know this to be true.
Lets stop playing games where there are no winners. Lets break free from this culture and learn to love again.
Lets take some actionable steps:
- Lets give time to each other to help you know
- Say what you mean and mean what you do.
- Express your thoughts and emotions with less filter.
- Compliment each other on skills, interests and looks of course.
- Learn your partners emotional cues.
- Question your assumptions…remember your partner is not a mind reader
- Try to refrain from “ghosting” or “flaking.”
Lets not fear when other people like us. When they’re attracted and interested in us, value and treasure these moments. Somebody has decided that you’re a great enough person for them to want to be with you. Conversely, do not value people who do not value you.
I am sure for most of us improving our relationships is one of the best things we can do in our lives. Maybe, this will lead to a happier and more fulfilling life, maybe it will just make me a better person, or maybe it will lead us to finding love.
Lets build real emotional connections !!! Happy Connecting !!
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