Thursday, 26 March 2015

Do You Connect while you communicate ?

“People like people who like them. When others know you care, they’ll listen.” ~ John Maxwell

Do you really connect or you just talk ? Thats one question you need to ask yourself if you feel you are not able to influence. Connecting with people helps you relate to them. Its not just a talk its about putting in that extra effort, demonstrating that you are genuinely interested and to convey its more about the other person and not you. Get over yourself. Compliment, look for ways to add value. Let people know that you are happy and excited to be with them. Make them feel and know they matter and they add value to you too.
When people take action, they do so for their reasons, not yours.  Connecting begins when the other person feels valued.  Listen to them. Find out what they value. Share your values that are similar to theirs. Build your relationship on common values. 
Be charismatic, be the one who instantly make people feel important, feel special, feel better about themselves—be the kind of people everyone wants to be around...and wants to be.
Here are few tips:
1. Listen way more than talk: Ask questions, maintain eye contact, smile and respond non-verbally too.That's all it takes to show the other person they're important. Listening shows you care. A person who cares will listen to you, because your opinions matter to them. Listening shows you care a lot more than offering advice, because when you offer advice in most cases you make the conversation about you, not them.
2.You can’t give what you don't have : If you want to be a people’s person and if you want people to identify with you, it's better to talk about your failures rather than successes. Be humble. Admit your mistakes. Be the cautionary tale. And laugh at yourself. People won't laugh at you. People will laugh laugh with you. They’ll love you better for it and would want to be around you a lot more.
3. Look for the common ground: Know your audience. This requires understanding others. Its important for finding common ground to let others in on what you believe and feel. We need to be there where they are and see from their point of view. Travel to their world mentally. See their perspective before asking them to see from your perspective. Use your stories once you know theirs.
4. Connect Beyond words Your body language says it all. Every words , every message that you convey has to have a bit of you, your emotion, your feeling. You need to connect visually, emotionally along with verbally to leave an impact.
When you speak to an audience, expand your expressive self, smile, walk with a sense of purpose. Keep your body language open. Speak out of your experience, relate your stories. People will remember how you made them feel. Convey your own confidence in them.
Have the energy of a giver. Speak with love, grace, gratitude, compassion, and passion. That is how you will reach their hearts.The larger the crowd, the more energy you must provide in the form of passion and love and believing in people.
5. Keep it simple : The aim is to bring clarity and not make it complex. People want to know the bottom line. Repeat what you want to convey. Say less and say it simply. Ask yourself, “Have I understood and related to the audience?” “Did I make a difference?” “Have you help them create a plan for themselves,?”
6. Live what you Communicate: Be what you convey. Let credibility be your currency. You must become the kind of person you would like to like and be with. Be enthusiastic as people respond it enthusiasm. Let people feel your passion which is a powerful tool to reach out . And passion comes from believing what you say, believing that it helped you change and believing that it will help others too. Encourage them to take action, that one step in the next 24 hrs that will start the change in them and get the ball rolling.
7. Shine the spotlight on others: No one receives enough praise. No one. tell people what they did well. Not only will people appreciate your praise, they'll appreciate the fact you care enough to pay attention to what they're doing.
We all want to associate with happy, enthusiastic, fulfilled people. The words you choose can help other people feel better about themselves--and make you feel better about yourself, too!

Tuesday, 17 March 2015

"Am I a Bad Parent?" How to Let Go of this Parenting Guilt

Many of us “parents” feel that we might be responsible for the bad behaviour of our kids,“the out of control situation” and feel guilty. It’s the worst feeling in the world.” Hold on, here’s the truth, you’re not supposed to know everything about being a parent—it’s a skill you have to learn, just like anything else. While there’s no one “right way” to parent, there are more effective ways to handle your child’s behaviour.

While coaching, having worked with some of the toughest, out of control adolescents imaginable, I really understand where people are coming from when they feel like a “bad parent”. The first step here is to understand that these feelings don't help anyone; they wont help you or your child. So lets get over that first. The question is not who’s fault it is, the question is, what can you do differently to to help you child change his behaviour.So give yourself a break from blame and guilt, and focus instead on what you can do to change the situation.

Old Habits Die Hard, When You Catch Yourself Taking on The Blame:
What should you do when you’re able to actually catch yourself in the moment feeling guilty or taking on blame for your child? 
First of all, congratulate yourself for the awareness, for being aware of what’s happening. The first real step toward change on your part is that awareness of what you’re doing. Any time you can catch yourself and count to five, you’re probably going to do something different than your first impulse. If you can, take a moment and write down the facts. Ask yourself the following questions:
1 What’s the situation? What actually happened?
2 What’s my first inclination based on those findings?
3 What could I do to be more effective?
Repeatedly  trying this out would give you a clarity of what are the situations and what are your reactions to it and once the realisation sets in change will follow.

“I feel so alone.” Is that the feeling you get often?
Often parents of defiant or acting-out kids become withdrawn and get this feeling of being alone. While staying away might protect parents and families from further outside shame and blame, but it does nothing to improve the internal feelings the parents have about their own blame and their own failure. 

In other words, this isolation really magnifies their feelings of failure. Instead reach out, as it helps to reduce the blame and failure that you might feel. One gets a better perspective and the realisation that you are not the only one, there are others out there who have a similar problem. Remember none of us knew how to parent when we had our children; we all learn as we go. 

Feeling blamed and feeling guilty prevents us from taking action; it keeps us stuck and feeling defeated. We keep getting into the endless loop of blame and shame and blurs our thoughts to focus on behavioural change. Blame and guilt creates a lot of wasted energy and feelings. The challenge here is to get beyond these emotions. 

Blame and guilt produce a lot of wasted energy and wasted feelings—the challenge is to get beyond these emotions. Your guilt usually has nothing to do with what’s going on with your child: his behaviour can very possibly be beyond your control. Instead of feeling guilty, what you need to do is to move forward and change what you’re doing.

The bottom line is that instead of feeling guilty or blaming yourself, what you need to do is move forward and change what you’re doing now. You may really need some additional help,Hire a coach who could help you empower yourself, to implement change. 

Article in the news paper